‘My partner has built a wall around her emotions and doesn’t want to let anyone in’

Question

I’ve been with my girlfriend for three years and despite us having a happy, loving relationship, she struggles with having emotionally open conversations, and she gets frustrated when I try to encourage her to open up about feelings. It’s like she has built a wall around her emotions and doesn’t want to let anyone in.

I’ve been understanding and empathetic around this behaviour because I know it is largely due to her ex-partner, who was emotionally abusive and really got under her skin with degrading, hurtful comments and gaslighting behaviour.

Although I don’t know the full details (she refuses to tell me) I do know there were instances where, in her past relationship, her ex-girlfriend would tell her she was ‘overreacting’ and ‘being childish’ if she got upset by a comment made or a fight they had.

I’ve been treading this line very carefully, but I feel like I’m at a breaking point, because I don’t know how much longer I can turn a blind eye to her emotional disassociation.

I have suggested therapy for her to open up about her past relationship trauma, and though she is open to the idea, she keeps putting it on the long finger, which makes me think she’s either not ready or not yet willing to do the work.

We’re both in our late 20s, and because I had a long-standing therapist in my early 20s, I know how transformative the process can be, but I don’t want to be the person who keeps pushing her to seek it out.

I understand she is an individual who needs to heal on her own terms, but I feel as though I’m carrying the emotional burden for both of us.

I want her to heal so that our relationship can work, but I’m conflicted as to whether that’s actually a selfish, or a helpful, ask, because I know her personal therapy needs should be separate to our relationship needs.

Answer

Addressing a partner's reluctance to open up emotionally can be frustrating, leading to constant guesswork about their needs.

While past relationships may have contributed to this, such behaviours often trace back to early childhood coping mechanisms, known as an avoidant attachment style in psychology.

Understanding this could provide context for your partner’s behaviours but it doesn't resolve the communication barrier. Expressing the need for emotional closeness is essential in a healthy relationship and while therapy can't be imposed, suggesting couples therapy could facilitate constructive discussions.

Creating a shared language around this issue, such as agreeing on designated times for conversations, can promote understanding and comfort for both partners.

Rather than remaining stuck in unproductive patterns, it's crucial to find ways to overcome these obstacles, potentially strengthening the bond between you.

However, if your efforts to address the issue are not productive and your partner is unwilling to engage in therapy or work towards emotional closeness, it is necessary to reassess the relationship.

Ask yourself can you feel fulfilled without a deeper emotional connection and accept your partner as they are now? There are times, when there is no real sign of change, and the most loving thing we can do for each other is to be brave enough to admit that.

Changing entrenched patterns necessitates profound commitment and a willingness to embrace vulnerability. Change, as described by Lauren Florko Ph.D, “triggers intense neural firing in the brain, interpreted as error, which can lead to potential emotional outbursts”.

Which is why, a supportive, structured environment guided by a trained therapist is important. However, readiness and motivation are pivotal; people need be able to open to looking at their fears and tolerating change.

Couples’ therapy, particularly, can break dysfunctional cycles, but its efficacy hinges on the willingness of each participant to embrace the unknown.

Terry Real describes the transformative potential of neuroplasticity, challenging the notion of fixed character traits. Yet, for relationships to thrive, both partners must actively engage in the process of change.

While extending an invitation for growth is possible, the willingness to embark on this journey ultimately lies with each individual.

Resources

• https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/people-planet-profits/202204/why-change-is-hard

• https://terryreal.com/articles/the-myth-of-the-individual/

• https://www.gottman.com/

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