I’m 36, single but would like a family, should I just go it alone?

Question

I am a 36-year-old woman, I have my own business which I enjoy and in many ways, I have a fulfilling life. However, I haven’t been able to meet someone I feel I can make a lasting relationship with. I’ve always envisioned having a family (my parents have a loving, successful marriage) but it hasn’t been as easy for me. I’ve been on dating apps for some time and most of the guys seem just to want to keep their options open and don’t want to commit to anything long-term.

I am not sure if that’s just a predicament of having so many choices out there to meet someone, but I feel also that when guys see my age they are already thinking in the back of their head that I am just looking for a prospective dad for my children. I would like something to take its course and if things did work out that way, then great, but I am not looking at every prospective date that way. I am content to have fun as I hopefully get closer to meeting someone but at this point, I am wondering if that might ever happen, and if, given my age, I should start to look at other options, including going it alone.

I’ve looked into the possibility of IVF using a sperm donor and my parents are supportive of this if that’s what I choose, but I realise that deciding to go that route may mean I am closing other doors, and being a solo parent and running a business does scare me. Should I just let things take their course or take action now to avoid being even older with fewer options?

Answer

It seems you're actively pursuing a fulfilling life, despite challenges in finding a lasting relationship. While your parents' model is inspiring, remember that families come in diverse forms. If becoming a parent is a deep desire, explore your options beyond waiting for the perfect partner. Consider that creating a loving home doesn't always adhere to traditional roles. With a supportive extended family, you already have a network to welcome a child into your life. The circumstances of a baby’s birth matter less than the love and desire for their presence.

I don’t want to patronise you with biological clock clichés, but it might be wise to set a time frame for finding a partner if conception is a priority. Grieving the ideal family picture may be necessary to embrace new possibilities. There is a concept called ambiguous loss developed by Pauline Boss –“ambiguous loss is a loss that occurs without a significant likelihood of reaching emotional closure or a clear understanding.” In simple terms, we need to grieve the things that don’t happen, to release them and be able to move forward and not feel stuck.

While meeting the ideal partner can still happen, exploring alternative paths can alleviate the pressure of dating. By committing to your desires, with or without a partner, you retain agency over how you build a family. Being honest about your needs could attract those willing to build something real with you. Empower yourself to pursue parenthood in your way, embracing the uncertainties while remaining open to the possibilities life presents.

Resources

• ambiguousloss.com/

• verywellfamily.com/your-fertility-in-your-20s-30s-40s-and-beyond-5202972

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