‘Every time I think about venturing out into the dating world again I feel terrified’
Ask Layla: I want to dip my toes back into the dating scene, but after a long-term relationship and with two kids and a demanding job, I’m struggling to see how I can make it all work. Have I left it too late?
Question
I separated over two years ago from my long-term partner after thirteen years together. We have two kids aged 10 and 8 which we are both very much there for, but given that I’m in the family home and he lives in a much smaller space, I do the majority of the day-to-day parenting.
The first couple of years have been a rollercoaster of readjustment, juggling work, kids, schedules, handovers, and managing everyone's well-being in the midst of it all. I feel there is some rhythm now to things, though it can be very up and down.
I feel I missed out though on having the family life, and the relationship that I felt I was capable of with my former partner and that is hard to reconcile with sometimes.
But I also feel I am still young enough (I am 46) to meet someone new and perhaps have a second chance at a lasting relationship. I know myself a lot better than I did in my twenties, or even early thirties, and parenthood has helped me value things differently.
That said, every time I think about venturing out into the dating world again I feel terrified – the dating landscape is very different to the last time I was single, everything I hear just makes it sound like The Hunger Games with constant rejection seeing to be the norm.
I keep fit and look after myself but I am older now too, and my body has changed since having kids so I feel the added pressure of not measuring up to the standards of social media.
I also have a lot of time constraints with a demanding job and home life, and I’m conscious that online dating needs to be given some time and focus. Ultimately though I don’t want to leave it too late, and only really begin to live a full life after the children are grown. I would like to be able to do both but I’m struggling right now to see how to make it all work.
Answer
Rather than viewing your circumstances as burdensome, recognise the value you bring to the table.
You're not seeking someone to share the trials of child-rearing; instead, you desire a partner to embrace the next chapter of life alongside you.
Expect that potential partners will also carry their own history and baggage, offering opportunities for mutual enrichment, albeit requiring flexibility and negotiation.
Psychotherapist Esther Perel aptly describes such relationships as developmental, characterised by fluidity and growth through life's challenges.
Adopting a growth mindset in your search means approaching potential connections with curiosity and open-mindedness, eschewing rigid checklists in favour of genuine interest in the other person.
The intentions we bring to our interactions profoundly impact the quality of our relationships. While we can't control every aspect of opening ourselves up to others, if forming meaningful connections is a priority, it's worth pursuing.
The research underscores the importance of relationships in shaping our lives, emphasising the need to embrace risks, knowing that not every encounter will lead to a lasting connection.
In the words of Charles Darwin: "It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change." Embrace change, approach dating with an open mind, and be responsive to the opportunities it presents.
Resources
• estherperel.com/blog/5-myths-we-tell-ourselves-when-were-dating
• theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2023/01/harvard-happiness-study-relationships/672753/
• lovestrategies.com/dating-after-divorce-with-kids/
To send your questions to Layla, click here to fill out the form (this is an anonymous process) or email asklayla@businesspost.ie
