‘Ever since my parents met my partner there is a constant battle for boundaries — they criticise our decisions and intrude on our personal space’
Ask Layla: I’ve been with my girlfriend for a year; she’s supportive and shares my values. However, my parents are overbearing, especially since meeting her. They criticise us and invade our space despite my attempts to set boundaries
Question
I've been in a committed relationship with my girlfriend for about a year now. She's wonderful, supportive, and we share many common interests and values. The issue is not our relationship, but rather my parents. I’ve found myself in an uncomfortable situation as a a result, and though it’s probably a common one, it’s causing me a fair amount of distress and I’m hoping you can provide some guidance.
Ever since they met my partner, there is a constant battle for boundaries. They've always been rather overbearing, but it's gotten worse since I introduced them to my girlfriend. They often make snide remarks about her, criticise our decisions as a couple, and intrude on our personal space.
I've tried to assert my boundaries gently, but it's like talking to a brick wall. They dismiss my concerns, insisting that they're just looking out for me and that they have my best interests at heart. While I understand their intentions may be good, their actions are causing strain in both my relationship with my partner and my relationship with them.
The most frustrating part is that I feel like I'm constantly battling against their emotional immaturity. They seem unable to see me as an independent adult capable of making my own choices (I’m 28). Instead, they cling to this image of me as their little boy, whose life they can continue to micromanage.
To complicate matters further, there's a significant amount of family pressure to maintain constant communication and involvement. My parents expect me to visit them frequently, often at the expense of time spent with my partner. It's like they're unwilling to accept that my priorities have shifted as I've grown older and started my own family.
I'm at a loss for how to cope with this situation. I love my parents, but I also love my partner, and I refuse to let their behaviour drive a wedge between us. How can I navigate this delicate balance between family loyalty and protecting my relationship?
How do I address issues of emotional immaturity with my parents without causing irreparable damage to our relationship? And most importantly, how do I make sure that my partner feels respected and valued in the face of all this interference?
Answer
Balancing our relationships in adult life can be challenging, I understand how difficult that is. Particularly when we come from a family dynamic which in therapy terms we would call ‘enmeshed’.
To grow into a balanced, emotionally mature adult, we need to establish our independence from our parents. Individuation means separating yourself on various levels — physically, emotionally and intellectually. This process marks the road toward becoming your own person, rather than just an extension of your parents.
This normally starts in adolescence, we discover ourselves by spending time with friends, shaping our identity, diverging from parental beliefs, and making decisions independently.
However, in overly close families, individuation is not promoted and people can become stuck in emotionally dependent, immature roles. This can lead to a confusing mix of emotional immaturity and premature responsibility. You are establishing yourself as an adult and building new emotional connections outside of your family, that can be challenging for parents who don’t understand healthy emotional boundaries.
It may be necessary to start setting some boundaries with your parents especially in relation to your girlfriend. The fact that you are able to recognise that their behaviour is hurtful to your partner is a sign of your emotionally maturity.
The thing to remember when setting a boundary is that we are not setting a boundary against another person but for ourselves. Dr Linsey Gibson writes about how to achieve this in her book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.
You're entitled to set boundaries and step back if someone drains more energy than you're comfortable with. It's not wrong to distance yourself from someone who negatively impacts you. As an adult, it's your right to prioritise your well-being and preferences, defining your own limits.
Feelings of guilt can complicate boundary-setting, assertiveness, self-identity development, and prioritising personal needs over others' expectations. In enmeshed families, guilt is wielded as a manipulation tool, making us feel selfish or wrong for asserting ourselves.
Eventually, we internalise this guilt, believing that setting boundaries or expressing our opinions is unacceptable. Enmeshment involves emotional manipulation, leading to difficulty in establishing boundaries, which are often absent in such relationships.
Enmeshed families foster dependency, limiting your individual autonomy. Setting boundaries might be challenging given your family's dynamics. Begin gradually, communicate your needs clearly, and set boundaries.
Prioritise your relationship with your girlfriend and work on your future together. Your parents will need to adjust their expectations to accommodate your adult self. The more you practice communicating what you need and consistently creating a secure environment for you and your partner, the more you will be modelling for yourself what it means to be in an emotionally mature relationship.
Resources
• 3 Lessons We Learned From Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents (myndlift.com)
verywellhealth.com/enmeshment-healing-steps
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